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Literature
7.34mm
A simple measurement
can make a man
lose himself; a blurring, no more
than a grainy smudge
a scant 7.34mm long
this rice-grain, seven weeks old
with one hundred and twenty nine
heartbeats per minute
—all this, from a mere sesame-seed of a heart
Literature
Quaaludes
It’s when you open your mouth to kiss me that I remember what I know about Quaaludes. The details are all knit up somewhere deep inside a ball of knowledge because I learned about them in fifth grade which seems a little too early in retrospect doesn’t it, and since then I’ve wrapped whole yards of other strands of knowledge around that ball and whenever I want to remember what I know about Quaaludes I have to unravel the whole thing just to get to it. But it’s there. One. They make you tired but it is kind of a verbose tired which sinks you into that three-quarters-down state, the cliff’s edge of sleep, but refus
Literature
Mayfly
It's a nudge from the Naiad orbiter that brings me fully to my senses, and, instinctively, I find myself checking my systems. Power from her solar panels quickly floods my own circuits, and I flex instruments and senses that feel like they've been dormant for all too long. Which they have, of course.
"Wakey, wakey," the Naiad's saying, as I burn through the reports and telemetry my body's feeding me.
Some of my instruments have iced-up, I realise. But that's a minor concern. Everything else is sound.
"Are we there yet?" I reply.
"We are indeed."
"Mayfly, this is control. " The signal's peppered with static, and I quickly adjust for the D
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Written for the Private Eye Contest
Quite an odd take on the contest rules, I fear.
I welcome feedback, but can't edit until the contest is over. No idea what I'll do with the piece after that, anyway. :/
The title is from a real Noir (like what this is not) Movie released in 1938, and starring James Cagney and Humphrey Bogart. It doesn't have much to do with the story, but I couldn't think of another title.
Word count 4,401
Quite an odd take on the contest rules, I fear.
I welcome feedback, but can't edit until the contest is over. No idea what I'll do with the piece after that, anyway. :/
The title is from a real Noir (like what this is not) Movie released in 1938, and starring James Cagney and Humphrey Bogart. It doesn't have much to do with the story, but I couldn't think of another title.
Word count 4,401
Mature
© 2011 - 2024 fyoot
Comments35
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Overall Vision Originality Technique ImpactI thoroughly enjoyed the work. The grungy, modern concept of Hell was absolute genius. I have seen nothing like it before in my time reading things of the noir style, which admittedly hasn't been too long.
I would like to have given a very thorough critique, but there isn't much that I feel needs changing. The only things I found that were a bit off were some mild grammar issues and an unnecessary repeating of an idea.
For example, you noted that El Diablo was "lawless" twice within a couple paragraphs. I personally think you showed the lawlessness quite well through examples without needing to tell us twice.
The grammar issues are minor, such as placing a period before the end of a quote when it ought to have been a comma. All in all, they were minor problems and didn't interrupt the narrative at all.
In closing, it's an excellent piece that even a Christian who believes in these characters existence (that's me) truly enjoyed. Well done.
*tips hat*